Friday, December 30, 2005

No Santa=No Fun? No WAY!!

Some of those who visit my blog may know that in my family we don't do the Santa Claus thing for Christmas. I've taken some criticism about this. People think that I'm sucking all the fun out of Christmas for my two little boys. Well, I'm going to set the record straight! We have plenty of fun on Christmas, and I thought I'd tell you exactly what we did this year to prove it!

We started out our Christmas season by decorating our tree. Actually, I decided a tree was too dangerous (it might tip over). After racking my brain for a replacement, I pulled a nice, soft pillow off of my son's bed and laid it in the floor. Voila! The christmas pillow! We then started decorating it our beloved pillow. First we got out the lights, but I decided that plugging it in was too much of a shock hazard. Still the christmas pillow looked quite lovely with the little bulbs wrapped around it. Suddenly I realized that those pretty bulbs were easily breakable, so they had to go too. As I was plucking all of the bulbs out of their little sockets, I noticed that the chord was still a choking hazard. What if one of my sons got that wrapped his neck? I couldn't take that chance, so I threw the chord away too.

Next we brought out the ornaments. The first box was full of glass ornaments, which I of course vetoed. My oldest son (three years old) helped me put them in the trash compacter. Oh, you should've seen the tears of joy streaming down his cheeks as I threw the brightly colored balls and figurines of Santa and Frosty in the trash to be crushed. He was so happy!

The next box contained the plaster handprints my boys had made. Now, everyone realizes what kind of breathing trouble plaster dust can cause, so I bagged those suckers up in a sandwich bag on the double. Then, wearing a surgical mask of course, I backed over them with my car. I sucked up any escaping dust with a shop-vac. Threat eliminated.

I came back inside the house to behold a wonderous sight. There was my whole family staring at our Christmas pillow and weeping. I have never been more proud.

My wife looked at me, pointed to our christmas pillow and said, "What are we supposed to do with this!?!" Then she hurried back to our bedroom for some unknown reason. I pondered her question for about a half hour with no results. Finally, an epiphany!! I knew what to do with our christmas pillow.

My wife emerged from our room, picked up our boys and headed toward the door.

"Sweetheart," I said, "I know what to do with our christmas pillow!!"

"SIT ON IT!!" she screamed as she slammed the door in my face.

And by golly, she was right! That was my idea! She always seemed to be a step ahead of me!

So there I was, by myself with the christmas pillow. I guess my wife and the boys went out for more wrapping paper or something. She should be back any day now...

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